The Average of the Armchair

Not for the man from the armchair is the century at Lord's.

Not for the man from the armchair is the 5 minute mile.

Not for the man from the armchair is sprightly spring to steal the lineout.

Not for the man from the armchair is the taking part.

The man from the armchair is the encyclopaedia.

The man from the armchair is the fountain of knowledge.

But what of those who join the man in support of the nation's team? He who has only a passing interest in the sport or a fierce national pride kept quiet out of respect of those who might not feel quite so. What is he to do in the face of this fountain of knowledge? What of the many? What is the average of the armchair?

I ask this as, like many of my friends, I have only a passing interest in football (in rugby I have some knowledge but not really past the borders of England) and with the pre-world cup fever gripping the newspapers and media outlets, why should I feel upset that I don't know anything about it?

I have one friend who refuses to acknowledge it, but that is not for me. I have an Englishman's pride. It is not showy and it is not vocal, until challenged, and to this end I support my national teams in all their exploits. I never feel comfortable watching the football at home with my father, because he has frown extremely tired of my comments on the ability for moths to knock professionals over with a look. In the pub I feel rather overwhelmed by the complete lack of conversation outside of the topic of the sport or the match. No political, musical or philosophical discussions there.

So how am I going to watch the football I hear a voice ask... In all probability... It will only be by accident, not intent that I shall see this competition of physical, tactical and psychological mastery. I find this a shame. Football is supposed to be the game of the people, a game for everyone, from youngest speaker, to oldest man of the armchair. Yet I find myself isolated.

So what of us average men of the armchair? Those of us who would rather play the sport than watch it? Those of us who don't have an interest in any other part of the sport than the national side? Where can we watch this extravaganza with like minded fellows?

The pub? Certainly not. Any that are showing it will be frequented by the 'Real Men'.

The trendy bar? Nope. This will have the 'Modern Men' in. 'Modern Man' is not the pure passion of the 'Real Man' but will love to hold his superior knowledge over your head.

The friend's house? The best option of the 3 so far. If he is letting people over for the game, he will obviously care about it and he will have friends that do too, you will most likely still be a minority but at least you'll be in the company of friends.

Your house? Again getting better. Here you can choose who to invite, but if you don't invite any of your friends who are passionate fans, you will either see it gate-crashed or a poor turnout as those who aren't passionate drag them along to the pub.

By yourself? The worst option of the lot. If you care enough to want to watch the game, you make pretty poor company for yourself, and what is so wrong about your mates gathering at  a house or the pub.

So, as always, the average man is decided by the vocal minority.

The man from the armchair is better than the player.

The man from the armchair is right.

Not for the average of the armchair is the discordant choir.

Not for the average of the armchair is the trivia topping.

Not for the average of the armchair is the contest the day

Not for the average of the armchair is the armchair.